ConversationThroughMusic

the degradation of a dream

2010-12-21T12:55:00.001-08:00

what is life
to think that we control it
only is the finate certanity of death
is their any clarity

i remember the moment words were spoken like the wind
whispering the end of the dream
shattering the begining of a chapter

death is all their is
he says
but he is wrong
i dont know it but i beleive it
i cannot prove it but i can feel it

death is not all there is
it is only the begining
a begining that is flavored with love
a beginign that is removed from torment

lie to me that this is it
and i will lie to you that you are right.
prepare for the time of darkness but remember
our lives intertwine with destiney
and there is more then this
there is so much more...

diamonds

2010-04-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

she is genuine
a trait all but lost
she is trustworthy
almost to a fault
she is beautiful
like the suns morning light
she is loving
and cares for i
she is a girl
i am a boy
she is a woman
i am a child
she is a example
i am a word
she is a lover
i am a storm
her words make me want
to be a better man
a man that strengthens
a man that grows
she brings a new life
that i never lived
provides a time
where everything i would give
to make her happy
to be the one
who can bring her wonder
can bring her love
who can color the skys
who can paint a picture
of two lives molded, into one life entered
with this peice of metal with this little ring
take the heart of my love
be the queen to my king
make me happy forever
make me love only you.
show me life can be better. hold my hand. lead me through

the fall of the city of gold

2009-10-07T18:47:00.001-07:00

city of gold lend me your ear
for there is a story that must be told
a story of weath a story of evil
of atrocities no man can behold

it comes from your city.
so serene in beauty
a feast no eye can foresee
the gold that you build with, is what will destroy us
your mud has become our fall

what to one city is nothing is to another the world
what is to one man a loss another a goal

but your beauty will fade
you gold will not sparkle forever
when angry eyes do behold
for a mans lust, for his rage and for his desire
can no city stop from its unfold.

to hold something so high but mean so little to another
to see a page feast others see a mold
to quench the desire that leads man to madness
as sand that the hands try to hold

oh city of gold this is how you will flicker
this is how u will eventually implode
your builders become wanters
your walls become idols
till one day your story is told

its told through a poem
but not one of remembrance
its one of complete loss of control.

the lie

2009-09-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

this rage is burning
in the lie im not a part of
or so they say
but a part of it i am
it consumes me
its sweaty breath breathes down my neck
its painful eyes manifest themselves in my daily thoughts
its ugly face looks at me in every moment
and wonders why
wonders why i dont talk
wonders why i dont care
wonders why i dont fight
but what can i fight
it is bigger then i am
i hate this lie
i hate its knowledge
i hate its life
demons surround me
but the fight is not mine
my angels are battling
they are yearning for higher ground
and they will receive it
but how much longer will they wait
how much longer do there bursts of hope transform into pools of pain
how much longer can they hold on
before this fight over takes them
and this lie becomes life...

movements of life

2009-09-20T23:01:00.001-07:00

white as the dress she is wearing
chilled as the words he is saying
new as the breath she is taking
cold as the fear he is feeling

music with the walk she is making
loud as the noise he is screaming
cries with the life she is feeling
fear with the pain has him kneeling

love with the face she is seeing
sting from the slap he is taking
sight with the eyes she is clearing
threads with the rope he is hanging

hands into which she is taking
slams from the door he is freezing
joy from the life they are seeing
blur with the life he is leaving

vows from the speech she is saying
rage from the words he is yelling
beauty from the life their engaging
tight from the noose hes preparing

a kiss seals the choice they are making
a abandoned ring changes the life they were living
another enters the life their creating
a drop ending the life he is hating

love feels the life of the first
tears feel the life of the next
joy enters the life of the third
darkness enters the last of the words

red

2009-09-10T00:10:00.000-07:00

slit my wrist and let it bleed
there isnt room in this place for me
the danger of love
burning in fire
the chill of a house
the death of desire
the voices, i hear them
calling for someone i dont know
bring me back bring me back
but to where i cant show
black as paper
warm as frost
the dull of the blade
the rage of the lost
let it bleed
cleanse my life
with this blood and with this pipe
bleed the darkness
make room for the fire
burn in my heart
quench my desire
for light and for love
for things i know not
bleed these words full of frost
till dead i am not

rant

2009-08-31T21:23:00.001-07:00

gosh i am sick of invisible children
i know it sounds horrible but hear me out
when did helping someone become trendy?
people dont care about the message, maybe it moved them once but they dont "really" care. their friends care, so they do as well. displace me? give me a break, all its become is a event to get you a new facebook picture. maybe for that one day a year people think for a minute about what they are doing there. but then just like that they are sitting next to their box smiling for the photo. look what i did, i was homeless for one night. wow im proud. you really did something with your life, jesus would be so happy you got a new pic.. i mean helped raise awareness for those kids! which leads to the next factiod. that problem has almost been solved... what invisible children did was a miracle and nothing short of amazing, but whats next!! sure there are kids still making that trek but there are 1000 of people dying a day in darfur and kenya and so many other countries! yet we are just now jumping on the invisible children bandwagon... come on, live outside your american bubble and think about the 90% of people that are way worse off then you. support something, live for something, dont get new facebook picture... make a freakin difference... im done

...peace...

2009-07-20T23:21:00.000-07:00

i hate when someone says, "but its peaceful"
peaceful doesn't work when the world doesn't know peace
empty is the cup when nothing is in it but thoughts
thoughts cant win wars, thoughts cant build hospitals, thoughts cant heal cancer
neither can peace
peace
peace
peace
life
love
lust
death
every word has a meaning
some of them beautiful
some of the dark
just letters, in combination, each one a different feeling
each feeling a different breath
breathe
life
air
peace
lives are lost
love is killed
peace can die
air can rust
but the empty expansion of life pushes forward
groaning with ever pain
spurting with every wince
the fire of change cannot be quenched
the fragility of life cannot be mended.
never have words been more clear
never has life been more fake
beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
beholding lust in the moment of rapture
words painting pictures life cannot show
but life shows pain words cannot paint
beauty
peace
love
death
life
hope
faith
...dust...

this poem describes me absolutely perfect...

2009-06-08T23:04:00.000-07:00

wish it was my words

here me quickly lord
for my mind soon wanders to other things
i am more familiar with
and more worried about
then i am with you

words will not do lord
listen to my tears
for i have lost much
and fear more
listen to my sweat
for i wake at night
overwhelmed by darkness and strange dreams
listen to my sighs
for my longing surges like the sea
urgent, mysterious and beckoning
listen to my growing gut
for i hunger for bread and intimacy
listen to my curses
for i am angry at the way the world
comes down on me sometimes
and sometime i on it
listen to my cracking knuckles
for i hold tightly to myself
and anxiously squeeze myself
into others expectations
and them into mine
and then shake my fist at you
for disappointing me

listen to my footfalls
for i stumble to bring good tidings to someone
listen to my groans
for i ache for healing
listen to my worried weariness
for my work matters much to me
and needs help
listen to my tension
for i ache toward accepting who i am
and who i cannot be
listen to my hunched back
for sometimes i cant bear
the needs and demands of the world anymore
and want to put it down
and give it back to you

listen to my laughter
for they are friends
and mercy
and something urges me to thank
listen to my humming
for sometimes i catch all unaware
the rhythms of creation
and the music without words
rises in me to meet it
and there is joy in the romping of children
and dancing of angels

listen to my blinking eyes
for at certain moments
when the sunlight strikes just right
or the stars pierce the darkness just enough
or the clouds roll around just so
or the snow kisses the world into quietness
everything is suddenly transparent
and something in me is pure enough
for an instant
to see your kingdom in a glance
and so praise you in a gasp
quick
then gone
but it is enough

listen to me quickly, Lord

last post im guessing

2009-03-24T04:29:00.000-07:00

so we are just waiting in the internet cafe for our last train trip back to Dublin to go home :( im so sad, i dont want to leave, we have seen pretty much all of Ireland. we looked at a 2009 12 month calender and had seen 4 of the 12 sights and most the others were like random cottages. Ireland is raining today, it is the first time it has rained since we got here, we have been blessed with the best weather ever. brian said it is Ireland crying because we have to go. yesterday we took and amazing tour. we went to the burren which is a mountain of of rocks it was really freaking cool, saw a full rainbow over the river, went to these tombs that were over 6000 years old. after that we went to the high crosses which is a combination of crosses in different shapes from like the 12th century. we also saw like 3 castles and had lunch in this small town called doolin. from there we went to the cliffs of mohr. they were absolutely stunning. like the pictures cant even begin to do justice to how amazing they are. there is a memorial up there for all of the people that have fell off and died. it is crazy because the wind is soo bad up there and people are so dumb. there also was a castle up there that had a look out point but it was closed. in the summer pegiuns come hang out there. after that we took a long ride back across the coast and came home at 6 ish. we have been staying in a room with these German girls who have somehow managed to be at ever hostel that we have went to from dublin even without knowing. so we went out with them and this Canadian for our last night in galway and watched a 16 piece jazz band and an Irish cover band. that is one of the things i will miss the most is the fact that ever night of the week you can go to at least 4 or 5 pubs in each town just to here music. it will be so missed when i get home. anyways we are about to board the train and cant wait to see all of you when you get home!

day whatever number it is

2009-03-22T04:16:00.000-07:00

yep your favorite blogger is back, yesterday we all got up at 9 after going to bed at 2 for me and jerrod and 430 for brian, to catch our bus to Galloway for the last leg of our tour. this girl roommate we had named polly who i expressed my love of Irish singer songwriter music made me a mix cd of like 15 albums so i am beyond stoked to check that out when i get home. this ausie dude we met also gifted us all with clip on kola's since we gave them pizza haha. so i have a kola to clip to my work pen. so we awoke and got on the longest bus ride ever, it was like 5 hours but the ac broke so it was sooooo hot. haha when we arrived in Galloway we went to our bed and breakfast and the owner decided to give us a ride to the city so we could walk around, we watched the rugby match, not gonna lie i am into the sport now, it was huge here because it was the first time in 61 years that ireland won so there was crazy celebrations in the streets and everyone was running around with flags on and honking horns so that was cool to be involved in. we had had a class taught by the taxi driver on the rules of the sport so we knew what we were watching. we then went to a pub called the kings head for a pint then went back to our bed and breakfest. we awoke to a fully prepared Irish breakfast made by the lady running our place. it was sausage and eggs and tomatoes and toast and more. sooo good. plus for the first time in like a week we actually got coffee. our days have started out right. we are about to go out on the town of Galloway and look around then tomorrow we have a tour to the cliffs of mohr and the burran before returning to Dublin on Tuesday night.

oh me and jerrod went gambling in cork and i lost 10 euro on roulette and he won 40 ahahha so it was a lot of fun.

below is a highlight of the rugby match, it went down to the last second. you don't even understand how happy everyone is here about this... haha more soon, Josh

here is the golf course that we played at as well

http://mahongolfcourse.ie

here is an example of a song they sing alot at the bars

Evening Post from Jerrod

2009-03-20T16:29:00.000-07:00

Hello All! I just wanted to add to Brian's blog that I rocked at golf today!!! It was so amazing to be able to play golf in Ireland. So I bought a box of 15 golf balls at the beginning thinking that we would loose a lot of golf balls...but we ended up doing pretty darn good with Brain loosing about 3 golf balls. Josh and I both lost one golf ball. We took some pretty sweet pictures which I think is pretty epic.

I cannot begin to express how much fun the three of us have had. We all have gotten along really well and we’ve had a good time at what ever it is that we are doing. The Blarney Stones was awesome yesterday. By far it was the best castle that we have been to so far. We were able to explore and just have a grand time. We took some amazing pictures that are to come so we can share our good memories with you.

Brain stated that we all should plan on taking a trip to a new destination about every 2 years or so. I'm thinking that would work out great...so I'll see if that actually happens.

Josh and I are at the local internet cafe in Cork booking our next tour in Galway as well as our train trip back to Dublin the day before we fly out of the Dublin airport.

To be honest, I'm a bit sad that we already have to leave in a few days. But we have had such a blast so far and I'm sure it’s to continue. If you have the chance, I highly recommend that you make a trip to Ireland some day. Even though Ireland is pretty Americanized, it is definitely a different culture to experience. I've had way more fun then I expected. Also, I'm so thankful that our hostels have been so good to us. Especially for our first 5 nights, we originally booked our hostel for a 16 person room, but we ended up getting put into a 4 person room with our own restroom...WAY AWESOME!!! Our other two hostels have been awesome as well.

One thing for sure, I am so amazed at the number of people that we have run into that have been completely nice to us. For an example, when we where about to arrive at our train stop in Cork, Josh and I were trying to determine how we should find our hostel...bam, out of no where, this older lady asked us what we where looking for so we explained to her and she kindly gave us directions to our hostel and gave us a few tips on what we should visit while in town. Irish people are very kind and warm hearted.

For myself being a City Planner, I've noticed quite a few different things in Ireland compared to the US. First, I love the history here in Ireland. The history helps Ireland give its identity. The history with the castles, natural leap frog development as well as the vast variety of texture of all the amazing architecture from each period of time is breath taking. The streets are narrow with 4 to 5 story buildings lined up next to each other, coble stone streets and sidewalks, as well as elaborate facades. Ireland is far more up to speed with being earth friendly with having environmental friendly components. There advertisement for littering is classic, ''Litter is disgusting and so are the people that do it!'' which is posted on every trash can around the city. Also, in every restroom I've been in, the urinals are water free and they only have blow dryers to dry your hands, no paper towels. One thing though, each building has a fully decked out facade while the remaining 3 sides are unfinished with a cement stucco texture. The mass transit system is up to par with a functioning train and bus systems throughout the main city. To be honest, I am very glad that we did not rent a car as it would have been mind boggling to drive the opposite direction. The 3 of us would have either crashed or killed each other out of frustration for not being able to locate our destinations. Overall, Ireland is plump with on going green landscape as far as the eye can see. Ireland is a beautiful country and I am so grateful I have been able to explore and experience it all for with such great friends as Josh and Brian.

Josh is finishing up talking to his awesome girlfriend so I am going to rap this up. I look forward to seeing you all very soon and share our amazing memories that the 3 of us have created. Love you and take care!

Guest blog by Mr. Brian Grijalva

2009-03-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Hello fans... Brian here...writing to you from Cork.
Heres a rundown of what we did Thursday and today. yesterday we went to Blarney to see the castle and kiss the Blarney Stone. So far out of the 3 castles weve toured and 2 others weve just seen. Blarney has been the most impressive. We stood in line for an hour, winding through the castle to kiss the stone. Josh apparently had some problems with his claustrophobia in the narrow spiral staircase on the way up to the stone. we spent about 10 minutes in that part of the line (Ill post a video when I get back of his horrible experience). The actual kissing part was cool part felt really touristy so it took away from the experience a little but it was still worth the hour wait in line.
We walked the castle garden for about 2 hours afterward. It was a really cool area full history. there was a "witches kitchen", "wishing steps", and some altar made out of a big rock where Jerrod pretended to sacrifice me haha. We got some lunch in Blarney ( I had my first shepherd's pie) then made the 20 minute bus ride back to Cork.
Later that night in our hostel we met cool ausie named Sean, a US airforce guy named a Chris, and 2 girls from UC Santa Barbara and we all went out for the night. We went to a cool pub where you can poor your own pint of Guinnes right there on your own table. We hopped around a bit after and Josh and Jerrod went back to the Hostel (which is also a bar... its very convenient haha)with the Ausie. I stayed with the rest of the group and went to a club for the rest of the night. We topped the night off at McDonald's and some double cheeseburgers before getting back to the \Hostel around 2:45.

Today Josh, jerrod and I went golfing in Cork. we only played the front 9 but it was a good time. (Very good video of our experience to come later:) Jerrod dominated, Josh and I were horrible. Josh owes me a beer tonight because he didnt think I could get my ball out of a sand trap in one swing (little did he know the pitching wedge is my best club haha). Josh took about 6 swings to get his ball out of a sand trap a few holes before so maybe she thought is was hard or something haha.
On the way back we stopped for the best BLTs Ive ever had and thats our day so far. we're about to go for some drinks again tonight.

From Cork

This is Brian

Signing off

st patricks day

2009-03-18T04:07:00.000-07:00

so first off, st patricks day is not as big here as it is in the USA. they celebrate it, but it mostly just watching a parade then drinking all day for the irsih people. however there are 10000s of people from other countries here and everyone is goign all out, there is stores that sell every kind of ireland memorbilia you could imagine so by the time the parade starts you cannot even move on the streets and everywhere you look is big green hats and people pretending to be irish, we got a good spot for parade on top of this rail thing, the parade was the weirdest thing i have ever seen, it had everything ut none of it made sense, there was a metal chicken that snapped at the audience, a big gold pig, homer simpson, people carryign dead cows and washing macines, bag pipe players, a reanacment of king kong with people pretending to be planes flying around him, a inflatable catapiler on wheels and pigs flying rocket ships. this went on for like 2 hours atleast it was interesting because you never had any idea what was going to be coming next. after that was done we headed to the guiness factory cause they had live music and stuff. we went in and got all of our tasters, they were serving smoked salmon with cream cheese on guiness bread as well. we listent to some folk bands had a guiness or three, got to pour our own pints and lost brian for over an hour in the midst of all the people. after that we went back to the hostel and hung out and met like 15 people who invited us to go out to the pubs with them, we went and it was packed, everywhere you looked was tourists in big green hats, me and jerrod had them as well, brian painted his hair green. because of this it wasnt as enjoyable as the nigths we had had before. so me and jerrod came back and hung out with people in the hostel till like 145 and brian stayed out with the other friends till like 330. we are now awake and checked out and in the cafe until our train leaves to cork which we are staying at for the next three days. see the blarney stone and whatever else that has to offers. we still have no plans for our last day.

day 6

2009-03-18T03:59:00.001-07:00

yesterday, wait yesterday was st pats, um two days ago ( we hardly have any idea what day it is now) we wanted to go to a musical pub crawl lead by musicians so we walked down to the tourist center only to find out that it only runs on thurs fri and sat so we missed that, the guy there suggest we get an all day dart pass, which is the trian that runs up and down the coast of dublin county so we were like why not and got a pass. we went on the line all the way north to malahide and saw the castle that they have there what is over 800 years old. it was cool but could have been better. then we got back on the train and rode it all the way south we could. it went along the coast and was amazing. we got off on the last stop and ended in this little beach town that was having a festival. we got fish and chips from a local restaurant and then ate it on the beach looking over the hills. jerrod said he would give me and brian 100 euros if we ran into the freezing water with all of our clothes and shoes and jackets on, but as tempting as it sounded, an hr train ride back and half hour walk soaking wet ended up not being worth it. from there we headed north again and went to this town with a light house about 45 minutes away, but when we got there we decided we didnt really want to do anythign so we got coffee and went home, our hostel has 10 people in it but is much better then the first one, lots of nice people we are meeting, we then went to like 14 pubs to hear different types of music, one pub called brian up on stage to sing an irish song to molly malone which he was absolutly horrible at evne though they told him the words 500 times he couldnt seem to retain them. we went to one of our favorite local bars, brian met some irsihs chick but then decided she was weeird so we left had mcdonalads then went to bed at 3 in the morn

day 4 and 5

2009-03-16T13:28:00.000-07:00

we went on a tour up to the rope bridge in northern ireland and to giants causeway, then we went to lodonderry and got to see the political murals and some protests then we also got to go to bellfest and see the city hall where the titanic was built and the most bombed hotel. bellfast was a really cool city and giants causeway was really cool as well, google image search it if you dont know what it is, we saw lots of sheep and lots of irish country side. i cant write much more because i am being kicked off the computer, yesterday we went to like 15 pubs for all sorts of live music, hung out in the temple bar area, ate irish meal of guiness and beef soup whioch was really freakin good, and went to comedy show that was hilaroius. we have been playing a lot of the game we created called irish 31 on the buses and trains. its a card game. more later on what we did today.

day 3

2009-03-13T10:13:00.000-07:00

today we wdidnt get up until like 1230 becuase our hostel is undergound and does not have a window haha, because of that we were only able to do a few things before they closed. we took a tour of dublin castle and then went to st patricks cathedrial. it was super sweet, we are at a cafe right now trying to find a trip to book for tomorrow. :) then pubs tonight maybe

day two

2009-03-12T20:04:00.000-07:00

today we woke up adfter sleeping for like 12 hrs and got breakfest of toast and cerel, we only have us three in the room right now but added a forth tonight. we then got a bus pass and went to this old prison from 1700s it was where all the irish famine people were put and had a bunch of movies made about it, it was really cool and a lot of fun to see, from there we went to the national museam of art and we drew art that is now hanging on the walls, me and brian and jerrod are famous... ahaha from there we wnet to this huge monolith thing and to these gardens, then to the zoo. at the zoo we saw tigers and snow owls and lots of monkey. then we got kababs at some random place and went on a literary pub crawl. this was two actors taking us to 4 pubs and doing preformances of the different writen pieces done by authors in ireland it was quite a good time and I more then a few pints of guiness hahaha. we are finally home now, left hostal at 10 and are back at 3 in the morn.. good day, we are going to the downtown area with trinity college tomorrow. more soon :)

ireland day 1

2009-03-11T12:35:00.000-07:00

rorshac journal 3-11-09 (watchmen)

arrived in ireland after almost 17 hrs in transit. 6 hr lay over in atlanta and 2 hours sitting on the runway. we arrived met brian, and bought a dublin pass. it gives us free attractions up to 27 differnent ones. so we walked and walked and walked all over dublin. it is a cool city, people are moving very fast, drive on the wrong side of the road and have awesome accents. we got lost for over an hour, and then finally found the jameson whiskey distillery, they volunteered me to taste the difference between it and scotch and american whisky and it was cool. i got a diploma saying i was officially sanctioned as a whiskey tester. from there we went to the muesem looked at military stuff then went off to the guiness factory. it was amazing, so much to do and look at but the 1 hour tour was capped off by a guiness on the top of this tower that overlooks the whole city. it was amazing. now it is 745 here and we are all mready for bed haha. tomororw we are going to a zoo muesem and a prison. then on saturday probably a castle they filmed brave heart at. thats it for now :)

blessed is he who is not offended by me

2008-11-23T19:01:00.000-08:00

every once in a while a sermon really connects with me, this week was that sermon, pastor matt talked on the story of john the baptist and his imprisonment and eventual decapitation due to his condemning of herrods affairs. he stated that john sent men to ask jesus if he was the one that they had spoken of. jesus waited hours to respond to the men and just let them observe what he was doing. He healed the blind, cured the lepars made the lame walk and raised the dead. they went back to john to report what had happened.

Imagine being John, living in the desert being shuned by people as weird, spending your entire life devoted to the progression and pavement of the day that this man is coming to save the world. then imagine hearing the stories of all the miracles he is doing while sitting in the cell waiting to die. there is no doubt jesus could have waived a hand and freed john from his cell. there is know doubt that jesus could wave that same hand and save some persons child who dies in a car crash with a drunk driver. he could do it without a blink of the eye... but he doesnt always do it... blessed is those who are not offended by me. blessed are those who survive these nightmares and still call on my name, blessed are those who lose their child and not their faith.

one of the main problems in life are when nightmares come and our faith is tested, we dont stagger we give up. my one prayer is that if i am faced with one of those nightmares i will be able to stand strong and be counted in the blessed people who were not offended by the path God has set before them.

lovers

2008-10-18T13:57:00.000-07:00

What happens to the lovers you've lost and you've had
When time doesn't allow there body to last
Stories paint pictures of what you can never say
Life writes chapters on the blankest of page
Every movement a memory every kiss a fading breath
Giving life or taking back what can never be kept
Forever searching and never finding
The breath that can fill up your lungs
That can make you breath clear in the fog of what comes
The air of my lovers become smoke to the taste
Always filling my lungs with a sweet breath and craze
But corroding the inside when as smoke it escapes to the love of another in the darkness of fate
Every body like a sentence every women like a word
But the clearer I speak the less I am heard
Give breath never-ending In a lover as true
Ever moment every whisper brings me closer to you

the emptyness of love

2008-10-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

the lose of love burns a hole in the system
clear and present but empty and gone
the moves of a lover in the darkness of lonelyness
prevent the truth from another in the sparkle of the what comes

who am i to challenge the changes, made by two broken people in the absence of god
who am i to tell them its love, when the beauty of intamacy has been gone for so long

i can wish for a change, i can pray for a conscious.
but my hands cannot mend what i cannot even grasp.

its as cold as ice in this house with no fire. but scars cant mend when one becomes two.
through the lies of the selfish, though anger of the broken, i can see what was lost, and take a picture for the future.

i cannot live that life, i cannot change that system, with the abensce of god, they will never be free.
in the furture, far ahead, or closer then we know, they will see what is lost and will cry for the past.
but if you cant fix your life in the presence of fire. the drops of water will be empty when you pray for the storm.

in a bed all alone, surronded by a lover whos not the longer.
in a house newly bought, that doenst feel like home
with a kiss holding no sweetness, and a love never less real
what meaning is life, what can even make it true

perfect?

2008-09-28T01:50:00.000-07:00

is it possible to have something perfect?
everything i see points to no
but do i stop trying
do i stop looking?

would i even know what perfect was if i found it?
my veiw of it may have changed from what it was intended to be
i might see it and glance over
i might have seen it and glanced over

perfect is a beautiful word
but, a word, is all that it is
7 letters that keep pushing you
and idea that keeps whispering to you

find me find me

but gone as fast as its spoken.

home..

2008-08-27T22:50:00.000-07:00

memories bleed from the walls
of a time all but lost
full of cheer and of love
or atleast what i thought it was
taken 2 years of my road
down the path we call life
just a memory just a note
runs as thin as a knife

leave the parties, come whats next
leave the nights spent on the floor
searching for something and finding nothing
but a morning emptier then before.

leave the women, alwyays different
for an ending always the same
search for something thats not empty
proving life is not a game

leave the studies in adventure
for a time where nothings new
no new teacher to inquire
stupid question that make me cool

keep religion when alone
keep the god you know you love
when its dark and when your far
your light is never fully covered

leave the friends, or they leave you
when you dont share that single bond
such as ending together
in a city far from home

thank the ones at your side
who who know you and choose to stay
never alone even when gone
mermories can never fade

leave the room that saw the good
saw the bad and saw the night
for a window in a house filled with spirt
but not of life.

leave the home, or atleast the word
for whatevr it will become next.
never returning, never understanding
how life can lead you back...

You want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans.

2008-08-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

great line from a great movie bella.. i just really conected with that these last couple of days. im at a point in my life where everything is changing, people coming and going, work changing, leaving my apartment i have been in for 2 years, and school about o start but im not in it.. all of this is so crazy, its like every time something settles in then it changes. i am happy with that, because i know i will be doing the things that i am supposed to but at the same time it scares me becuase i like to be in control and i really hate commmitment, so much. that is why my life is always changing, i hate commiting, i hated signing the lease on my aparement just because i didnt want to feel tied down.. all i am trying to say is that i have no idea what my plans are, and this movie made me realize it. but i guess it i better for God to have plans for me then me for myself.. :)

tragic

2008-06-24T23:19:00.000-07:00

tragic is the ink that spills
my pen will run till its dry
never have there been truer words
then the love that was had with you and i

im lonely in this room but not alone
im empty in this time but not apart
im tragic in the story but not done in
im perfect in this moment but not in life

blood runs through me as in you
i speak but words cant find a way to escape
this war is all thats left to fill my mind
this time is what it is and its not mine

im lonely in this room but not alone
im empty in this time but not apart
im tragic in the story but not done in
im perfect in this moment but not in life

dark is my friend when im alone
it shows me things the light cannot see
the faces and the things i should not do
blurring the lines that make me free

im lonely in this room but not alone
im empty in this time but not apart
im tragic in the story but not done in
im perfect in this moment but not in life

one week

2008-05-11T01:26:00.000-07:00

wow. what a difference one week can make. it feels like i have been out of college for a month. last week at this time i was at a party with tons of my closest friends celebrating our achievement then going to santanas... now i m working full time, and couldnt even tell you where those friends are.. crazy. you wont understand until you go through it. but it just seems so different now. i mean i was geting out of control so it is probably good that things started to change, but at the same time.. i wasnt ready for it. i could keep going but im gonna go sleep this off.

a second chance, means nothing, if nothing is learned from past mistakes...

2008-05-02T23:18:00.000-07:00

where do i begin. when you do something stupid really stupid, what should the recourse be? justice says that the guilty have to pay for their wrongs, but christianity says they dont because Jesus already did. i experienced grace for the first time in a long time. i should not have received this grace but i did. the hardest part for me is why. why did i need get punished when i messed up.. what made me different. what gave me that chance. i mean i guess we should never ask why, we should just keep pushing on and give credit to the god that loves you and that let you get by. but i feel like i should owe something, i feel like this shouldn't be free.

nothing compares to the love of christ jesus. nothing in this world, nothing in the world to come. he allows you the room to fall, waits for you and hopes you do not, but when you do he is there to pick you up. never judging, but always wanting more for you then what you want for yourself. greater love has nothing else then to be able to love someone even when they betray you.

all i am saying is i an thankful for the second chance i received. though i do not deserve it. and i will do everything to keep myself away from that path for as long as there is air in my lungs.... maybe thats why i received grace.. because he knew it would mean that much more to me...

Was there a time that we knew peace;

2008-04-20T13:59:00.000-07:00

Was there a time that we knew peace;
when all the children had a place to sleep;
when rhetoric was not enough?

Was there a time we weren't at war;
when we knew what our hearts and hands were for?
I don't believe there ever was.

It's always been a lie,
a soothing lullaby;
we'll soon be swallowed by the sea.

Was there a time we looked around,
and do we really even want to know what's going down?
Well I think no one really does.

We'd rather close our eyes;
sing soothing lullabies.

It's always been a lie,
a soothing lullaby;
we'll soon be swallowed by the sea.

The water's rising now;
and we will surely drown,
if we don't turn around.

gosh this song is good too..

2008-04-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Hollywood aint no place for lovers anymore..

2008-04-14T20:00:00.001-07:00

so true

2008-04-13T22:26:00.001-07:00

There is no change without pain...

Knuckle the f*#% up and start swinging

2008-04-05T01:29:00.000-07:00

quote from Stop Loss rap song. I really just thought it was powerful because it is so true. We all love to just talk about know bad our live is, how much people look down on us, how horrible our cards we were dealt are. But the fact of the matter is it will never get better on its own, you have to start fighting for yourself and for what you want. I mean same with religion to.. you can keep letting sin beat you over and over again or you can Knuckle the f*#% up and start swinging. this doesnt mean you will always win or not ever get knocked down... but atleast you will put up a fight and not just lay down and die. think about it.. i need to also

Josh

relationships.

2008-03-25T00:42:00.000-07:00

im pretty much over them. seriously i have not seen one in months that benifit both parties. all i hear is this and that. infidelity lust hatred. whatever you call it. they never seem to last anymore. its ridiculous. i think i gonna give up on them. whats the point. until you meet the perfect person we are all just mindlessly wandering down the road, i guess you get a companion while you wander but is it worth it... all it becomes is another lesson in a life thats already full of what not to do.

end

California ( in progress)

2008-03-19T20:23:00.000-07:00

i dream of the nights when i layed in the sand
your hand entered with mine
just a breeze and the stars and the crash of the wave
huddled for warmth nowhere elsee in mind

on a plane not long after bound for something i dont know
keeping that moment like postcard of my life
remembering it now as im watching the snow from the sky
every flake a reminder of home

on the coast of california
where beginings have no end
on the coast of california
where life can start again
but on the coast of california
where i love you was never a lie
only on the coast of california
when im far away i might as well die.

Dixie Chicks

2008-03-16T23:45:00.001-07:00

I dont care if you like them or not. this song is amazing

Understanding

2008-03-16T13:47:00.000-07:00

life is never expected
even when i look back
one week ago i could
never think where id have been

you see things that are broken
that cannot be fixed
with each cut a little deeper
till nothing remains

i will never understand
why things happen
but i will never stop praising
and i will never question
you way is the only, your truth is my shield
i know with you its better
even when im in hell

take me away from what hurts
if for only a second
i will keep it forever
if it helps me see you

i have learned in life we suffer
things dont always turn out.
but eeach drop from my eyes
helps me clearer see you

i will never understand
why things happen
but i will never stop praising
and i will never question
you way is the only, your truth is my shield
i know my life is better
even when im in hell

we are just one cancer pateint trying to help another

2008-03-16T13:41:00.000-07:00

today in church matt said that. i thought it was so amazing. just the fact that that is all we are. we are both going to die, we are both have a disease that will run its course and will kill us. but we the christian have to help the non christian prepare for that death. we dont have to be scared. we know where we are going. but the non christian is scared, their cancer will lead to eternal torment. i have never felt that more real. i am a fallen person i am eventually going to let this cancer of my soul kill me. but atleast i can help other people prepare before i do so...

i also really liked the metaphor of how we need to be broken. matt took a light then covered it with a planter. he said this is us. we cover our light with all of our crap and stuff we deal then he proceeded to break the planter and put a new one up there that had holes in it for the light to shine through. he said this is us, we have problems we are not perfect, but God peices us back together with holes for the light to shine through and makes uses us for his perfect even when we are as efffed up as we are. i dont know... im just glad to know I can be used.

i hate being fake.

2008-03-11T21:36:00.000-07:00

There is nothing i hate more in the world then having to pretend to care. i know this is not a good thing, i know as a christian i should genuinly care about people, but sometimes it is so hard. i just get so drianed when i am around people, be it customer service life or whatever, and i have to put on a face. i want to care for people, i dont want to be fake. but so often i am and it sucks

us of a lesser god - flogging molly (best song on new cd)

2008-03-08T20:46:00.000-08:00

THERE'S A BREEZE THAT'S BLOWIN' IN FROM THE LAND
INSTEAD OF SALT AIR ALL WE BREATHE IN IS SAND
CRIPPLED THE CLOUD THAT ONCE BROUGHT THE RAIN
GOOD JOB NOW WE'LL NEVER SEE OUR COASTS AGAIN

BUT THOSE OF US, THOSE OF US
US OF LESSER GODS
WON'T EAT TILL WE'RE HUNGRY
WON'T DRINK TILL WE'RE PARCHED
BUT THOSE OF US, THOSE OF US
WHO FORGET WHERE WE'RE FROM
CREATE NOW THIS HELL WHERE NO DEVIL COULD SPAWN
TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK
TO THE WAY LIFE USED TO BE

A WHISPER'S NOW SAYIN'
WHAT WORDS USED TO SPEAK
STARVE MUST THE CHILD, HUNGRY SEX ON TV
FOR NO ACT OF CONTRITION
WILL PARDON THE SOUL
THE DAMAGE NOW GLISTENS
SEE HOW IT GLOWS

BUT THOSE OF US, THOSE OF US
US OF LESSER GODS
WON'T EAT TILL WE'RE HUNGRY
WON'T DRINK TILL WE'RE PARCHED
BUT THOSE OF US, THOSE OF US
WHO FORGET WHERE WE'RE FROM
CREATE NOW THIS HELL WHERE NO DEVIL COULD SPAWN
[Us Of A Lesser God lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK
TO THE WAY LIFE USED TO BE

YESTERDAY IS BETTER THAT IT IS TODAY
AND TODAY WILL BE BETTER THAN TOMORROW THEY SAY
WE DON'T WANT WHAT YOU KNOW
BUT WE KNOW WHAT WE WANT
THAT'S LIVE AND LET LIVE
WE'RE ALL DIFFERENT THAT COUNTS

BUT THOSE OF US, THOSE OF US
US OF LESSER GODS
WON'T EAT TILL WE'RE HUNGRY
WON'T DRINK TILL WE'RE PARCHED
BUT THOSE OF US, THOSE OF US
WHO FORGET WHERE WE'RE FROM
CREATE NOW THIS HELL WHERE NO DEVIL COULD SPAWN
TAKE ME BACK, TAKE ME BACK
TO THE WAY LIFE USED TO BE

DARK IS THE SHALLOW MAN
PROUD WITHOUT PRIDE
WORN OUT COMES THE WELCOME
FROM A TRUTH THAT NEVER LIES
WEEP NOW FOR THE TEAR
COLD ON THE FACE
SO COME DOWN FROM YOUR HEAVEN LORD
LET ME SHOW YOU HELL ON EARTH
TAKE ME BACK
TO THE WAY LIFE'S NEVER BEE

i love wes anderson. his movies rule

2008-03-05T00:20:00.001-08:00

Ex-girlfriend: Whatever happens in the end, I don't wanna lose you as my friend.
Jack: I promise, I will never be your friend. No matter what. Ever.

dumb song i wrote tonight. meant to be funny

2008-02-28T20:24:00.000-08:00

it started like it does with a call or text
just a little while later some song and some snacks
im wanting the desert but your turning me down
maybe the stars and lights wil flip this all around

40 dollars this night will end up like before
20 more ill mess up and youll walk out the door
10 dollars says i stare but wont chase you down
i got no money on you leaving and turning around

just a movie and a couch and ill work on the rest
make you love me for a moment and hate me the next
i got no skill just luck and a half decent face
give me a peck on the cheek not a hug and a wave

40 dollars this night will end up like before
20 more ill mess up and youll walk out the door
10 dollars says i stare but wont chase you down
i got no money on you leaving and turning around

now the movie is over and alone i sit
you made it 15 whole minutes a record i set
when i went with the arm you went for the door
but not looking back made me love you even more

40 dollars this night did end up like before
20 more i messed up and you walked out the door
10 dollars says i stared but let you walk right out
i got no money on being asleep in an hour

there will be blood

2008-02-16T01:29:00.000-08:00

Daniel Plainview: I have a competition in me. I want no one else to succeed. I hate most people.
Henry Brands: That part of me is gone... working and not succeeding- all my failures has left me... I just don't... care.
Plainview: Well, if it's in me, it's in you. There are times when I look at people and I see nothing worth liking. I want to earn enough money that I can get away from everyone.
Henry Brands: What will you do about your boy?
Plainview: I don't know. Maybe it will change. Does your sound come back to you? I don't know. Maybe no one knows that. A doctor might not know that.
Henry Brands: Where is his mother?
Plainview: I don't want to talk about those things. I see the worst in people. I don't need to look past seeing them to get all I need. I've built my hatreds up over the years, little by little, Henry... to have you here gives me a second breath. I can't keep doing this on my own with these... people.

i saw there will be blood tonight.... it is a really hard movie to sit through. it is very depressing and down but it is amazing in its portrayl of depression. the main character has everything. he makes tons of money is good at drilling but is not happy at all. he has a son that is not his own, from a partner who died in the oil well. his son then gets in an accident and loses his hearing. because of this he slowly disownes him. he is able to completly disown his son because his "brother" enters his life. the son was really only there to help daniel get clients and when he was no longer a perfect little boy daniel leaves him on a trian ( picture him walking with his son yelling in the backround) and takes his brother back. daniel always is looking for someone to rely on, someone to be there for him someone to show him what is important in life and what will make him happy. throughout the entire movie daniel is butting heads with a preacher kid who tries to get him to join a religion. daniel refuses but finally comes to christ when he has to to aquire land. this is the second most powerful image in the movie. daniel is doing this for no reason other then to get land but he actually gets broken. this is the only point in the entire movie daniel feels bad for anything that he has done. while he feels bad he is still unable to admit to religion and the whole time the precher is screaming he is clean daniel is screaming where is your god.
Daniel wants soooo badly to find a reason to live, a reason to be happy. life continues to sprial downhill. his son starts a company to compete with him everyone that daniel loves is gone then his son tells him he is leaving to. daniel is now in a mansion and has everything someone could want. but he is not happy.
this leads to the most powerful part of the movie. the preacher comes back to visit daniel in his moment of all time low, to tell him that there is another well for daniel to drill and offers to sell it to him for money to use for his church. daniel accepts under one condition, he has to say he is a false profit and that god doesnt exsist. the kid says he will not but under pushing finally give in. daniel is searchign for some reason to live and for a moment before the kid gives in i feel daneil thinks he may have found it in religion because this kid is turing down money for his beleifs. but as soon as the kid rebukes god daniel turns on him. daniel is like a mad man because the last thing he felt could make him happy is debunked by someone over money. this causes him to go crazy and kill the kid. this is so powerful. daniel is searching so hard tring to find something but cannot and the last chance is someone who has followed relgion there whole life but sells it out for money. it is so hard to watch but a greater picture of desperation has never been crafted. this is like so many people in the world, they are wanting ot be religios wanting to find a reason to live and for all of this to make sense, but we the religios people cant even convince them that we are happy and that this makes us whole. we will sell out our god for money. it is sick but the movie so beautifully beats the point into you. nothing in the world will make you happy. you can search all you want but everything will let you down. you have to hold strong to your convictions even in the face of temptation or danger. as my dad stated from psalms, satan is always waiting to get you to debunk god when you are in your desperation. do not let him. see this movie. make sure you never turn out like daniel...

cheat

2008-02-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

hours early but not for the job
roses for someone lies for the one
what to the people who have been there for you
death to the promise, death to the life

running from something you never shoulda entered
kissing her softly away in your head
thinking of one who will never be faithful
hurting the one who has never left

when did it become a lie
and when did you try to fight
and when was she never enough
and when did you forget what this was.

i am not a part of this
why is it put on me
mind tells me one way but you show me pain
kiling myself for what you did to her
running away for what you do to me

the world was good if only for a little
i beleived in people in only for a day
i thought life was better if only for a minute
i lost my faith and this time forever

when did it become a lie
and when did you try to fight
and when was she never enough
and when did you forget what this was.

alone

2008-02-08T00:35:00.000-08:00

standing in this room
surronded with everything
but holding onto nothing
soon the walls disapear and
empty i stand in a feild dark as night

light apears from the north
stunning and haunting
overwelming to my eyes
the voice tells me to ponder
to wonder to search
tells me to think of what matters

what i have i cant keep
what i leave they cant hold
what is pursuit but a rope
the further you go the tighter it holds

its says store up what matters
break free from what doesnt
make life more a mission
then a race for the target

cause it will fade and it will dim
the closer you get.
until one day you wake up one day
and age is all youve grasp

be weary and be caustious
love not what they do
hold fast to my love
fight lust and pull through

then in the room i am
in the field i am not
but the light left its mark
and destroyed the meaningless for which i fought..

1st real song

2008-01-30T00:09:00.000-08:00

the bullets peirce the night
radient with light and dust
hands thrown in the air
protesing a life suddenly not

as the body drops
and the people look nd morn
faceless in the beauty
hes just a marter of a dirty war

bang bang bang
are the words from my gun
bang bang bang
stops a life lost for so long

the procession gathers
in the black and greys
words drop like snow
on a body sober as day

tears with the ones left behind
hopes for the days ahead
that his death will make a change
and give one a reason to live

bang bang bang
are the words that change a war
bang bang bang
or the noise that closes a door

bang bang bang
whod of thought that there could be more
bang bang bang
then the death in love and war

she never knew his face
for so long he knew hers
he never felt the grace
that comes from loving one who loves you more

bang bang bang
is she was with him he could have fought
bang bang bang
or atleast choosen life over not

seattle

2008-01-25T18:34:00.001-08:00

beautiful

my first sin

2008-01-23T17:51:00.001-08:00

and their eyes opened

when im laying in the bed
and she right beside me
my mind wanders
when i see what the darkness hid
and the light now shows
it makes me caloused

and my first sin was a young american boy
is what she told me
when the light was out and he said i was his life
is what i gave him

the years are gone
and minutes lost
on whats not important
the love that i gave
that i cant get back
has left me nothing but broken

well my first sin was the guilt that tied my rope
is what she told me
when i built it up and lost my track
into the mindless
i became nothign

i cannot love you
i never could
i can lie here with you and
you can hold me

but i cannot love you
and i never will
you can give me you
but ill hold back me

well my first sin was thinking that was all that mattered
is what i told her
when i lost my name and with it breath
in dress white as blood and for it nothing

i can love you
i always could
i can lie here with you
you can have me

but i cannot make you love me
and i never will
pedals on a rose drop like my love
with each one another moment

and my first sin was becoming one of them
is whaat i told her
i dont care where you been or what you loved
just lie with me and rest your shoulder

adn their eyes closed

i dont regret this ife youve chose for me

2008-01-23T17:46:00.000-08:00

one of those days were your not motivated to do anything. i hate being lazy but with all this going on around me i relly must just turn off because i never want to deal with anything i just want to go with the flow and see where i end up. there is nothing wrong with that but when you hit 22 the flow needs to start going a direction instead of just down the road. i really love my life and am so happy for the blessings that i have and the people that choose to be around me. but where am i going? i guess i have to trust that there is someone way smarter then me that is guiding me and as soon as i stop running away i will realize that i am where i was always supposed to be :)

maybe i can find something cool in a stupid bulliten...

2008-01-21T00:53:00.001-08:00

Maybe...you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

feeling

2008-01-17T12:45:00.001-08:00

remeber that feeling of lose. when you are soo surronded but so alone? i feel that way sometimes. but it is not other people it is me. it is my inbility to give myself completly to anything. the mot important being religion. i have such a hard time with commitment. any type because i hate letting people down. and if i never comit i can never let anyone down. anyways i just was in the get things off my chest mode. i need to learn to commit if with nothing else... christianity.

this is my gospel

2008-01-14T20:57:00.001-08:00

for which id suffer
for which id die
for which pain would not lose
for which death would not severe

the words of my god
the ideas of my king
the teachings of a man
make changes and switch dreams

i love you likw a son
be with me now and always
shine you light from above
on this heart black as stone
to the worl i would die
to your word i would live
im ready to make the change
my life to you i give

Love.

2008-01-13T01:48:00.000-08:00

what is love? i have no idea. i think i know love i think i have found it. but i dont know. when i see weddings. when i see people getting engaged, i think i should be able to find that. that i should be able to experiece it. but i havent, i dont know if it is becaus ei havent found the right girl. but i have known so many. how can i have not found the one. it seems like there would have been someone by now that made me love them.

its little things. i dont know what makes then not the one but it does. love is silly. people who are so much worse off then me .. they find "love" only to go and "lose" it 8 months later. love shouldnt be lost. if you are in love. nothing should break that. i guess i am scared to love someone so much that i put myself in the situation to trust them to love me back.. and to keep it... i will find it eventually... maybe i already have..

what im listening to.

god.

2008-01-04T01:05:00.000-08:00

when i pray am i heard?
when im asleep am i alone
what is want but a crutch
that keeps you searching when your home

i have fought through the years
but not a knockdown have i won
bruises creep and show their face
to remind me ive been stung

the storms have came
the rains have washed
leaving only pain
thats lasting and corrupt

once the sun shone
once it was bright
before the darkness
left its dust

you could heal me
you could come
but is the distance
is where you stay

i am alone
i am lost
until i hear words
clear like the day

you are my son
the one i love
the one i die not
to live without

come with me
ill clear the way
i will be your father
through this storm

once you were alone
once you were lost
but never again shall you morn

ill take you with me
ill keep you clean
nothing will touch you
if you stay

if you let me i will save you
hold your hand
and allow you to live

with me forever
with me right now
where death can never extend a hand

...beach..

2008-01-03T00:46:00.000-08:00

the beach, wine, titans blankets, chick filet cups, d and d, gym class heros, blondes, friend, divorce, fort minor, pictures, these are a few of my favorite things.

new years

2008-01-02T00:23:00.001-08:00

another year come and gone? im not sure what i learned or changed this year but i hope they are for the better... i know my life is different i know it realy is. its good i think yet i still struggle with a lot of the same things. i do feel good about something though the other night i saw a girl who was hooking up with my friend. as i sat there thinking about them i realized i didnt need any of that anymore. for once i felt content in god. like in that moment i felt like maybe i could be happy with no one. i mean i dont want that to be the case. but good just put on my heart that i need to be careful i need to firgure out a life path then walk it hardcore into the future and pray it takesyou the right way... happy new year...

a girl

2007-12-26T00:24:00.000-08:00

when depression seeks you out
and lonelyness tints you window.
you cant see what your in
cant see the way out.
you were there sweet and loving.
shining beauty. perfect friend
hands that lifted. hands that found
a life that was empty torn and cracked
you gave yourself. gave you time
provide hope in time of must.
peiced the heart, turning black.
cleard a way through the dust.
what do i owe. how have i changed
because of words. not remembered.
how can i pay what can i give
when life provides no answer.
know you are loved. know you are important.
when nothing else shows you that sign.
know i would die. know i would hurt
to by the change your life was to mine.

30 days of nothing

2007-12-26T00:19:00.000-08:00

it has been completed. my 30 days of nothing. one of the hardest things i have ever done in my entire life. but one of the best. i have seen things through a different lense. i have witnessed first hand the effect of prayer. i have been through the dumps. told friends and had no temptation. things i would have never seen on the other side. i have watched how god can break the chains you are attched too. i would have thought 30 days was impossible and did think that. but through prayer and focus i have accomplished it in his name. life will never change until you make the effort. god is waiting and willing to provide help, but only if you ask. i have seen people in a different light. i no longer saw objects but friends, not conquests but wives. god hs opened my eyes. i no i will fail again or have already... but.. but... but... i did it. and it will only get easier..

harrisburg..

2007-11-24T01:43:00.000-08:00

Romero got married on the fifth of July
In our Lady of Immaculate Dawn
Could have got married in the revival man's tent
But there ain't no reviving what's gone
Slipped like a shadow from the family he made
In a little white house by the woods
Dropped the kids at the mission, with a rose for the virgin
She knew he was gone for good

It's a long way to Heaven, it's closer to Harrisburg
And that's still a long way from the place where we are
And if evil exists its a pair of train tracks
And the devil is a railroad car

Could have stayed somewhere but the train tracks kept going
And it seems like they always left soon
and the wolves that he ran with they moaned low and painful
sang sad misereres to the moon

(chorus)

Rose at the altar withered and wilted
Romero sank into a dream
He didn't make Heaven, he didn't make Harrisburg
He died in a hole in between
Some say that man is the root of all evil
Others say God's a drunkard for pain
Me I believe that the Garden of Eden
Was burned to make way for a train

one of the best songs ever written that will never be released

2007-11-19T01:05:00.000-08:00

poem

2007-11-16T08:39:00.001-08:00

for a life once lost
for a dream once spent
four words once were said
now lost in the wind

for a man once a child
for a wife once a friend
now skeltns of a life
they would die to relive

kiss the girl that you love
hold the son that is his
be the chang in a life
rocked with waves from their sin

for the eyes of your son
for the place that you live
if cant change you
you can never expect them

once a letter now a word
once a thought now a song
like ideas that fall as rain
hit the ground and are gone

only you beautiful... I dont want anyone else..

2007-11-10T01:23:00.000-08:00

So it's sad this doesn't suit you now,
And me fresh out of rope,
Please ignore the lisp,
I never meant to sound like this.
So take me and break me,
And make me strong like you,
I'll be forever grateful to, this and you.

It's only you, beautiful.
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose, It's only you.

Fix me to a chain around your neck,
Wear me like a nickel
Even new wine served in old skins cheapens the taste,
I shot the pilot,
I'm begging you to fly this for me,
I'm here for you to use, broken and bruised,
Do you understand?

It's only you, beautiful,
or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose, it's only you.
But how could I miscalculate?
Perfect eyes will have perfect aim.
If I can choose, its only you.

“We're wrecking” and I'm dry like a drum...
a disgrace, So fine, I'll leave.
we're spinning take our time and trials,
measured in miles, we slave for days and weeks.

It's only you, beautiful,
Or I don't want anyone.
If I can choose, it's only you.
But how could I miscalculate?
Perfect lies from a perfect hate.
If I could choose, it's only you.

death

2007-11-06T00:42:00.001-08:00

I am not afriad to die. this is the first time in my life i have ever felt this way. i sinned tonight. i do most days. but this time i actually felt closer to God afterwards. I felt like through that sin i had opened a door and i could walk through it into a new life with a God that loved me and as a slave to righteousness. who knows how long this will last but i mean is there anything better then not being afraid of the one thing in life thatno one understands. people go their entire life trying to find a way not to die and here i am already ready to go if it is my time. all i am saying is that i know where i a goin and nothing will stop me from reaching that goal. death is but a cataylis to spark a new life that we will really understand...

honesty

2007-11-01T20:49:00.001-07:00

what reason do i have to see someone that i used to date. none really. i mean i have 0 feelings for them and i dont even particularly like talking to them anymore. but it seems like there is that human urge to prove to them how much better off you are without them. you just want them to see they dontmatter. let them no they re no longer relevant. that is the stupidest thing yet it is one of the most important. i want her to know that shes not needed. that is all i want her to know...

clean

2007-10-22T01:25:00.001-07:00

today i had the oppurtunity to sit next to two women that were struggling. one woman was having a really hrd time concentrating and was twitching and crying the whol service.(collean) about 34ths of the way through she gets up and leaves. her friend samanth immeadiatly turns around and says. she has been clean for 14 days and is coming out of her skin. i just decided to take her into my home with my two young children and dont know if i did the right thing. i felt so bad. what do i say to that how can i make her feel better. how can i show her that god was moving in her life stronger then almost all the christians i knew. i mean she took in a women that was struggling. she acted on her faith and made a difference. i would be scared out of my mind to bring someone into my little bubble. i dont care what jesus says i need my space. not samantha. she is willing to sacrafice the upbrining of her family and welcome a girl that needs her with welcome arms and say god. here is what i have use me. her story has pushed me to change the way i interact with people and to get my lazy butt off of the couch and into the world where thereare one million colleans looking for a samantha.....

random thoughts

2007-10-16T21:25:00.000-07:00

im such a mess. my life goes up and goes down. i am defn in the up part of it. i have so many friends and so many people that i think like to be around me bu i feel lost. im not depressed or anything i am just unaware of what i am doing. i am just trying to find my place but having a hard time doing it. i guess i feel like i missed out on life by waiting this long to meet people but i mean my personality has not came around till recently so who knows. i guess i just want to figure my life out and at the same time make a difference in the world. i know everyone wants to do this but i feel like that is where i am right now. i just pray that i can find that meaning that i feel i am lacking right now.

sad

2007-10-11T16:37:00.001-07:00

I dont know if any of you watch this show. but this part gets me every time

joshua radins music is soo moving in it too...

song

2007-10-08T00:46:00.000-07:00

I once knew a girl that i loved with my heart and whose beauty the world couldnt see
we would sing we would dance and wed play in the dark hopeing one day that shed be with me
but then world sent down rain and our love once like snow became mist in sun solem rays
and this girl that i loved, that i cried that i trust became the glimpse of what was really me
20 years now have past and i have loved and ive laughed but none could ever compete
with the love that i had and the girl who was my half once a cirlce now only a C
so if this love is now yours and you trusting the world to tell you who is right and in turn who is not
let me leave you with this it will be my last line to a song both sad and both true
if you love and youd die just to breathe by her side then let nothing tell you its a dream.

fast

2007-10-04T00:35:00.000-07:00

so today i decided to try and fast. i just finished reading the book starving jesus, and in it it put a lot of stress on the importance of fasting to the chrisitian. let me just say this. it is intense. it is soo easy to think o i could go without food for a day no problem.. try doing it. you get headaches from your addictions to caffeene, have no energy from the lack of food, and are tempted over and over again to just give in. but when you finish. there is nothing better in the world. you spend the whole day releying on god to help you through and trusting that the suffering you are going through is worth it because it is for him and to keep your mind focused on him. i feel like i accomplished something today, and i feel like i actually suffered for my faith, be it every so small. it is an amazing feeling and i would encourage any true christian to do it, as we are called to do it. it does not say if you fast in the bible it says WHEN. i am going to make it a once a month thing then maybe more later... its worth it..

amazing becuase he is

2007-09-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

amazing is what you are.
steadfast your love is for me
when i was alone in the darkness you sought me out
when i was desprite in the wildness you found me
i am a sinner
i am hopeless
i am futureless
but you love me
you tell me there is more life for me
you tell me that the future has something in store for me... through you
blessed is your name
let praises be on my mouth forever
let everyone know that you are the reason i am happy
you are the reason i am free
you are the reason i am here.
let me life show this love
let my works praise your name
let the people know it was you who touched your dying servent
you who set him free..

what i want from you.

2007-09-22T00:21:00.000-07:00

only thing that keep sane sane at work

unanswered paryers

2007-09-21T02:27:00.001-07:00

how hard would it be to be god.???
think about this.
imagine you are a parent and your child is standing before u at the stove. he keeps turning on the burner then touching his hand to it. then looking up at you and crying. but he wont stop he keeps doing what it is that holds him down and keeps him sore.
you want despritly to pick him up. hold him in your arms. tel him you love hin, tell him it will be ok. but you cant you just have to sit there watch. sit there and watch as the child burns himself t death... i dont want my god to experience this on my behalf .......

an inventory has been taken

2007-09-16T10:56:00.001-07:00

nothing in he world is prettier then the stars. sitting alone in the middle of the desert with no lights no people no nothing around

im in hell and your leaving me

2007-09-07T00:06:00.001-07:00

im in love with him. she said
the love that moves mountains
that emptys the ocean
that makes you spend the one life you have
with one person
the beauty of words is never more evident
.love.
i love
i love you
they bring the image of putting youself in he path of danger
taking the bullet
the car
or the blade
ending your life so another can live
greater love has no other
love is more then a word
moe then sentence
more then a combiation of letters
love is an idea
it is the idea that there is someone out there that
you fit like a puzzle.
someone out there that you would die
.without question.
i want to feel this love.....
j

the fight

2007-09-04T01:20:00.001-07:00

the fight is constant
the fight is eternal
the players are the same
the battle ground is similar
it is a constant struggle
between good and lust
between life and hell
between heaven and death
god is the judge satin is the crowd.
one prays you get through
the other cheers you into the ground
he fight is never ending
ever round another story
but if you pray to the judge
the end will hold for you glory.
he wants you to win
he wants you to survive.
he wants to clear the brusies that mark your tired eyees
it can be easier he says with a sadness
you dont have to fight.
i can take you from this madness
but the fighter is somber the words he cant hear
he goes in alone with a jab and a fear
he falls once again
for the enemy is ruthless
without the judge his body wil be brusies...

poem for the lost

2007-08-29T22:59:00.001-07:00

the smell of marijuana filters through the room
only this time its different
for the first time in months i realize
me and my neighbor are the same.
i sit in my room
addictions surronding
i give in
we are the same people.
running from the very things we need
lying that were happy
thinking that one more hit one more fuck.
these will make the differece
but they never do
we are never free.
we are constantly searching
so alone yet so alike.
so fake yet so real.
the searching dont bother to ask those who found it
thoe who found it dont realize they have till their gone
life loves to praise the ones that are trying
only to scoff at them when they sink back down.
im am not a good person i know this but im trying
life throws me a curve i ry to make it around the bend.
life push me under and i try to surface. him not so much
he is just as lost as i am. yet im trying im trying...

broken

2007-08-28T00:51:00.001-07:00

i am a broken man
i ask everything from the lord
but give nothing
i am unable to even sacrifie one aspect of my life
for the god that died for my sins
take this cup of poisen i drink
fill it with the water of life
use it to make me clean
use it to make you proud
god i want to be the man you called
i know thereis a plan for me
soon sin wont blind my eyes
soon you light is all i see
i will sit forever in the moment
and holld onto with all i am
because theres one thing worth living for
thats the king that wants me back

lord protect you broken servant on the path that he walks and let him know that heaven is better and that nothing compares to you.....

recreating god?

2007-08-26T21:42:00.000-07:00

so i currently attend a church called sandals located in southern california, this evening while i was sitting in church the pastor said something very interesting. "we are created in God's image, he is not created in ours" modern culture, and i am as much a part of that as most christians i know, have began to craft God not how he is in the bible, but how we want him to be. On a personal level, i have a hard time fearing God because in my mind i have created him to be this person who always forgives my sins, and is always there when i need him. while that is true, that is not "his image" his image is a God who is all loving yet all powerful. this is the God who could even my life by just thinking it. the God who decides my eternal resting place, not just a fairy who sits up in heaven and says nice try tiger i know you F'ed up but try a little harder next time.

modern church would go through such a amazing change if they learned to see God like the first example. christians now and days take God for granted, we want him to be sitting on shoulder when we need help, but want him as far away as possible when we want to sin. this is destroying the modern church because it is creating God in an image other then what he is. its like we are living our lives with God and the lion from the lion king, and not the one from Narnia.

fearing God is the begining of knowledge, so if you live you life not doing it, i dont think you knowledge will begining.

all im saying is that God doesnt bend to meet our standards, so we should NOT ever try to force him in to the box that is our view of christianity, and should live a life that strives to view God as the God of the bible.

.sometimes.

2007-08-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

sometimes i wish i could go back in time. i wish i could go back to the days that i tried so hard to blast through. at the measly age of 22 i cant help but feel like my life is half over. you know what the saddest part is? i think its the fact that i dont even remember half of it... i mean like bits and peices totally get through and friends jock my memory but i mean i have already finished high school and most of my friends are done with college. its just hard for me to think that this time next year i will be in the real world.. do you wish you could back in time. sometimes i do. i know everyone says they wouldnt change anyhing they have done... i would... i would be happy to see what paths my life would have went down if i did this or did that. i mean dont get me wrong i love my life.. but what if.... anyways. i was in a wierd mood tonight, and this came out.

this is what im listening too..

i said im ok but i know how to lie.

2007-08-18T15:12:00.000-07:00

what is it that hurts when someone says no. is it the fact that they are saying no to you? not really. is it the fact that you cant find someone else? no there are plenty more fish in the sea. is it even the fact that it was something important to you? no, its the fact that friends look out for each other. if you claim to be someone friend then you dont mess with them. i hate people who are fake. fake people are worse then people that hate you becuase atleast people that hate you show it to you face... fake people are the people that claim to be your friends but are never there for you. fake peopel dont deserve the time of day. i know a fake person. three strikes and your out? try fourteen. i thought they had my back. they dont. im over it.

.time.

2007-08-17T00:27:00.000-07:00

Older chests reveal themselves
Like a crack in a wall
Starting small, and grow in time
And we all seem to need the help
Of someone else
To mend that shelf
of too many books
Read me your favourite line

Papa went to other lands
And he found someone who understands
The ticking, and the western man's need to cry
He came back the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things
They stay the same

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

Older gents sit on the fence
With their cap in hand
Looking grand
They watch their city change
Children scream, or so it seems,
Louder than before
Out of doors, into stores with bigger names
Mama tried to wash their faces
But these kids they lost their graces
And daddy lost at the races too many times

She broke down the other day, yeah you know
Some things in life may change
And some things they stay the same

Like time, time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time,
Time, there's always time
On my mind
Pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

i am a big fan of Damien Rice, admitted I have only been listening to him for upwards of 6 months, no one can craft lyrics like he can, and no one can make you feel more nostalgic (spelling) then he can.

This song is a example of it. the words are so powerful like "They watch their city change" about the way people grow older only to see life just change right in front of their eyes.

the most important part of this song is the way he crafts the chorus

Like time, there's always time
On my mind
So pass me by, I'll be fine
Just give me time

its a play on words but he sings it with so much beauty and meaning that you can help but be taken back to that time in your life when you were younger and didnt worry about what the future holds. a time in your life when the future was being created instead of relived through tales...

.the path.

2007-08-16T00:40:00.000-07:00

why are humans so infatuated with the idea that we can change ourselves. even the strongest person in the world cannot control the outcome of his own life. i am constantly reminded of the story about th writer of the song "come thou fount" here is a person who wrote some of the most beautiful lyrics ever written in christian hymns yet the story goes that a women entered a carrage with a drunk man back in the 1800s, the women was singing the song as she looked over at the disgruntled man disgusted. he started to mouth the words with her, until she inturupted, what does someone like you know about words like those. to which he replyed mam, i am the one that wrote those words.

this is the picture of what torture is in this world. torture isnt physical pain it is the inability to give up the things that you know drag you down. "lord im prone to wander lord i feel it, im prone to leave the God i love". how many times have i tried to escape my past and my sins only to fall right back into. i am the epitome of a stereotypical chrisitan, lord im prone to wander. i have eveything that i need in you yet i can kep myself there.

my one prayer is that i can end my life the way the song ends. "heres my heart lord, take and seal it, seal it for the courts above." it doesnt matter if you wander, but the path is right there in frount of you, and you bettter pray you get back on it before your time runs out also.

let my boy sufjan stevens show you how its done...

Don't ever compromise what you believe.

2007-08-14T16:52:00.001-07:00

1st post

2007-08-14T16:42:00.000-07:00

his music has ment so much to me over the last 3 years.